The Lazy Clean Freak Part 2

As I’ve said before I’m a lazy neat freak. I try to work efficiently so I don’t do any more than I absolutely have to.  Last post we talked about the living room and just a few general tips to break down your Green Clean and Lazy Clean schedule.  Today I want to hit up at least two rooms that are really important to clean, the bathroom and kitchen.

They are some of the dirtiest rooms in our house and they need to be some of the cleanest. Now, no one has time to clean their entire bathroom every week. A few have time to clean it weekly and some do it as I do, split up over the course of the month.

So let’s get started.

Kitchen

It’s often the heart of the home. Family gathers round for food and snacks while they talk about their day. Or not depending on your family. Still, it is an important place as it holds a key to survival….food. Not to mention that we should keep it clean for another reason. There are studies that indicate there’s more E.coli in your kitchen then there is in your bathroom, which is shocking as it’s a fecal bacterium.

Here are a few tips to keep your kitchen clean and green.

A note on toxic cleaners: a lot of them have pesticides in them. You may ask what’s so bad about that, they’re used on our food right? Well first, they aren’t tested for very long. Second, cleaning and killing are two very different things. There are plenty of beneficial bacteria that these cleaners destroy along with the bad.  We don’t want to kill the ones that help with digestion, the ones that help make vitamins in our body, or the ones who help fight off various diseases. (Yes there are good bacteria.) Not to mention that the more bacteria we kill, the more resistant some of these bacteria become, which could lead to super bugs.

1 Choose less porous surfaces for your countertops if you’re redecorating. The same thing goes for cutting boards. It will help you cut down on the bacteria.

2 Talking about porous….ditch the sponge. It holds onto more bacteria than anything else. Particularly that E.coli I was just talking about. Or you can clean it by nuking it in the microwave or putting it through the dishwasher. Well, supposedly. I’m not sure I trust that.

3 Don’t microwave plastic unless it is Tupperware. They’re one of the few companies who have actually tested the safety of their products in a microwave. Pyrex is another good company. There are some plastics that are fine in a microwave, but a lot of the plastic we use isn’t tested or safe for use in the microwave. Some have additives that can be released when heated. It’s much better to invest over time and get rid of your old stuff than to risk your health.

4 Ditch the non-stick pans. While it’s easier to clean there are better alternatives. However, there’s some question as to whether or not they are safe. Alton Brown cautions the use of them in his Kitchen Gear book. Not only does it easily break off (so you have to put extra care into its maintenance), but you have to be careful what tools you use with it.  Not to mention that you lose any chance of deglazing your pans, which makes for a tasty sauce to go with your meal.

Also, in my opinion….one of the best nonstick pans is a wok. You can cook most things in it and I’ve never had anything stick. I got mine and all the tools for 10 bucks with a coupon (originally 20.) Otherwise avoid the nonstick pans. Studies have shown that a chemical used in their production has been found in the blood of the general population.

For baking I suggest silicone and aside from my wok just about everything else I use is cast iron….which your children’s children will be able to use so long as you take care of it.

5 Get all natural cleaners or make your own. Phosphates in the normal cleaning supply are not good for you. Many of the chemicals in some of our cleaners have endocrine or hormone disrupters, which can mimic estrogen in the body. Such imbalances have been linked to breast cancer, allergies, asthma, ADHD, and learning disabilities.

6 Avoid most antibacterials. Apple Cider vinegar is a great alternative. It is all natural and doesn’t involve spraying pesticides around your home….yes you read correctly pesticides. The EPA has it posted on their site and even worse…they may not be working.

7 Avoid bleach. Not only is it super toxic, but it contains pesticides. Not to mention that you have to wash the item before you disinfect it and then you are supposed to leave the bleach on for thirty minutes for it to be effective in the first place. That link also has some other scary information on bleach.

8 Return to tap or filtered water. Don’t waste your money on bottled. While your tap is required by law to be cleaned, disinfected, tested for bacteria and parasites, and must be filtered (if you can call it that in most places), none of those things are required of bottled water. Not to mention that there are heavy metals in the plastic that break down over time no matter what temperature you keep them at. (http://santevia.com/why-single-use-plastic-bottles-are-killing-you-and-the-environment/)

9 Get more microfiber to break the old dirty mop, bucket, and water routine. One, a mop holds dirt to the point that eventually it is just moving it around. Second, dealing with all that water is nasty. Third, who wants to even touch that bucket again after it has been used so many times?

The solution….well what we did was buy the cheap Swiffer, but we don’t buy the wipes. We bought microfiber that can be washed and cut it into little squares that fit the Swiffer. We just wash them with rags and stuff at the end of the month. A half a yard should make you at least ten if you measure. Other than that just use the vinegar, water, and oil solution I mentioned in the first post.

10 When you do dispose of your toxic cleaning supplies look up how to properly dispose of them. Most of them aren’t safe to just be thrown in the trash. The EPA even lists most of these items as household hazardous waste.

11 Save the planet by not using plastic bags. Or at least reuse them until they are dead. We used to keep them every year for cookie season in Girl Scouts, but now we give them to a family that uses them to seal up dirty diapers. Beyond that, when I have my own place, I try to use reusable grocery bags to cut down on waste.

Bathroom

1. Ditch the toxic cleaning supplies and personal care products. Look for more natural products or make your own. There are more chemicals in your bathroom than just about anywhere else in the house. There are just too many problems associated with them.
2. Ditch antibacterial soaps. The AMA doesn’t even recommend them anymore.
3. Look for natural shower curtains. Many of the plastic ones contain toxins. I know this isn’t something everyone can do. I know I can’t afford it right now. But it is something to think about.

The biggest problems in our bathrooms are the products we use to clean us and the products used to clean it…so please read the labels carefully and do your own research on these harmful chemicals. It really is easy to find a way to eliminate most of these products if you just look for recipes online.

Bedroom

This one is pretty basic.

1. If you have respiratory issues or wake up with itchy eyes you might want to consider putting a cover over your mattress because they are a likely culprit. Or you can vacuum your mattress once a month if that’s a little too expensive for you.
2. This is the biggest room to ditch the carpet because the mites are just all the more hiding in there.
3. Ditch the toxic cleaning supplies, they may be getting rid of the dust bunnies, but what are those toxins doing to those you love?
4. Be careful on your sheets; cotton is treated with many pesticides. If nothing else you need to wash all your linens often to kill those pesky mites.
5. In some countries they do not make their bed every morning. The idea is that it lets the moisture dry out which makes your bed a more hostile environment for those mites.
6. Air out your bedroom, this will also keep it dry and hinder those pesky bed mites.

Conclusion

I could go on to share more tips for the laundry room, kids rooms, and for pets, but from here on out it’s just going to get more repetitive. A lot of it is just removing toxic chemicals from your house. The second is working smarter instead of harder.

How to be the Laziest Cleaner (By Being the Smartest Cleaner)

So, I seem to be running a bit behind this week. So this post is late. I know and I’m sorry. Things happen unfortunately. Sometimes the baby has to come before the blog. I mean that’s why I’m here right?

But enough about me, let’s get started.

Since I finally finished reading the first part of Positive Pushing, I wanted to take a moment and touch on something else. I’m always trying to make sure that there’s a little bit here for everyone. To that end I want to talk about keeping a clean house.

We know it’s hard to do with a baby, much harder if you live in a home where no one else wants to clean. But no matter your situation, we all have to clean at some point. Now me, I’m a clean freak. I love for everything to have a place and a place for everything. So I’ll sit and reorganize until everything has a place. (I finally did it by the way it just won’t last long lol) But there’s another thing, I’m also cheap and lazy.

I can totally get behind reorganizing, but I really hate cleaning, even though I love things to be clean. Not to mention the time. If I cleaned everything, every week, the way I wanted to, I would drive myself mad. So here’s what I do….or try to do when I can/have my own place. I have a schedule. Each day is a separate room (or a few smaller rooms) and I have two task lists. The first are things that have to be done weekly. The second are things that have to be done monthly.

Let’s take a bathroom for instance. When I can follow my schedule I take out the trash, pick up anything Freya has strewn in our Master bath, and make sure that all of our laundry is off the floor and in the bin. Then for each room there are generally at least four things that have to be done each month.  So I split them up by how many weeks are in the month. Sometimes I have to double up and other months I get a week off. So in the bathroom each month I clean the sink/counter, the tub, the toilet, and the shower. Vacuuming usually gets done in one day about once or twice a week.

But I can get lazier while still keeping the house clean. Wanna know how? It’s simple. Each and every day I’m trying to implement “Protocols” or “Rules” that bring less dirt into the house.  I do the best I can with my parents between their memory and just lack of interest in cleaning, but any progress is better than no progress when it comes to keeping a clean house.

While I eventually want to get to non-toxic solutions for cleaning your house, today I want to focus on how to eliminate as many of the toxins and as much of the dirt as possible. I know it takes time, heck I’m still working on it, but it’s worth it if it means we can all be a little lazier (and less toxic) in our cleaning.

Family Room

It’s where we spend our time together. It may be a separate space or it may be our living room, but it is a room we spend a lot of time in. So how do we prevent it from getting quite as dirty?

1. Ditch the carpet wherever you can. Wood holds less dirt and carpet holds in allergens, mites, dust, and all those nasty things. I really hate carpet. I wish I could get rid of all the carpet in this house. Also, if you get a hardwood floor consider something economical. FSC approved items can help you here. And just as a warning, if you get bamboo, it nicks easily. Cork tiles are another good option.
2. Take off your shoes. All you do when you keep your shoes on is track more dirt in. Take a note from the Japanese. If you absolutely have to have shoes on have a pair of slippers or something that you put on when you walk in the door.
3. Avoid synthetic rugs. They often have a lot of chemicals in them that are toxic.
4. Use a HEPA vacuum cleaner. They don’t have as much blow back as other vacuums and they will catch even smaller particulates than a normal vacuum. This is one of those instances where you do your research and spend a bit more money now to save down the line.
5. Avoid toxic carpet cleaners. When I finish putting everything together for my organic cleaning post I’ll have something listed for this.
6. If you want to cut down on toxins, try to buy furniture that is FSC approved or go retro. You can always be crafty and make something out of a decent set at goodwill.
7. If you keep the carpet get it deep steamed once a year if you can. It sterilizes the carpet and kills anything nasty in it. Personally, I’d just ditch the carpet….this sounds expensive to me.
8. Ditch the duster. Work smarter and get microfiber. Not only will it not nick your precious family antiques, but it actually traps dirt instead of just moving it around.
9. Ditch the aerosol lemon spray cleaners. Anything aerosol is going to end up coating your nose and often only hides a smell. Not to mention that many of the chemicals in them have been linked to the Big C….Cancer.
10. Ditch the Ammonia. Not only is it toxic, but there’s a simpler solution. Why pay the price of your health for getting something clean? Instead break the addiction. Get some vinegar (I like apple cider) and some water. If you need to hide the smell you can get some lemon or orange essential oil. It only takes three to five drops to cover most of the smell and you still get that fresh scent…..and the oil will last you a good long time. Then just get that microfiber and trap all that dirt away.
11. If you want to learn about the dangerous toxins, check out Squeaky Green (insert amazon link) by Eric Ryan and Adam Lowry for more info. I’m unfortunately too cheap for that. Not to mention I buy just about everything second hand at this point.
12. I can’t afford this right now, but eventually one day I will get an ionizer (sigh). While opening windows will help keep your air clean (well depending on where you live) an ionizer goes a long way to pushing it along. If you can’t afford that and have a green thumb, plants are another great natural ionizer.  But as side note cacti don’t count….they don’t create that much oxygen.
13. Keep an eye on that furnace and change the filter as often as you can. It can blow around all those little airborne nasties too.

Energy Around the House

This is one of those categories that are good for the whole house.

1. Unless you have a charger that turns itself off like the IGo Green chargers, they still siphon energy and cost you money. So unplug anything you aren’t using. Not to mention that by unplugging it you prevent some carbon from going back into the atmosphere. I’m personally working on getting better at this.
2. If you don’t want to unplug everything in your life, put it on a power strip and just turn the strip off at the end of the night.
3. Buy energy star products. They are a bit more expensive, but that little extra now will save you A LOT later.

I’ll continue this in part 2 where I’m planning on talking about the kitchen and the bathroom.

The True Self and Self Esteem

So we’ve talked a lot about self-esteem and this is the final post in this series on the topic. Today is all about how self-esteem fits into our children knowing who they are and accepting that person.  It really is amazing to watch our children grow and develop their personalities. Even at nine months it amazes me how much moxie and attitude my little Freya exhibits.  She has a mile long stare when she’s mad that reminds me of my own grandmother and what is (to us) the most infectious laugh ever.

Still, personality and having a grip on who we are is something that starts in childhood and something that can easily be derailed. Think of it as a construction process. Imagine that your child’s development of self is like building a house. We have the brick and mortar, our genetics and societal influences, which include, school, parents, family, peers, community and the society projected through social media.  Ideally, we would like to think that every project uses the highest quality of supplies and that all the supplies should complement each other.  We want things to happen on schedule and, in the end, have a well constructed house that is strong and able to weather the world.

However, we know that life isn’t that clear cut or simple.  A child’s development of self can be derailed by our intense focus on any of the building blocks of self-esteem.  From carrot dangling to creating competency and security, there are a lot of mistakes that either we or our child can make to derail the development of the true self.

This is why our child’s development must start with the creation and understanding of their true self. This returns to the pagan concept of to know, that we talked about in the last post.  When we or our child recognize our true selves, we are truly happy.  We accept ourselves and have confidence that we are loved.  We accept our strengths and weaknesses.  Our own love for ourselves is the only TRUE form of unconditional love.

By being our true self we are liberated to be who we need to be and we are less hindered by our failures and insecurities.  Unfortunately, there are a ton of things in our society that can derail us from having faith in our true selves.  And this creates the false self, or a mask that we wear that may be a bit too big, or a bit small. The point is that it doesn’t fit who we are as individuals.

When we give into this false self we run the risk of internalizing bad habits.  It’s like using cheap building materials or covering up a gaping hole in the structure with something pretty. The mask allows us to move on without dealing with the issues in the structure.  This can be caused by placing results over effort, demanding perfection, a narrowly defined version of success or failure, abuse of any kind, among other things.

Ultimately, when we give into these false expectations we come into conflict with ourselves and create this mask to meet the unrealistic demands we perceive are expected of us.  And sometimes we can pass that along to our children or loved ones.

The false self is greedy. It expects way too much of us and always wants more and more, until we collapse.  Right now our society pushes us towards a false ideal of what we should be and this often harms us.  We think we have to be a certain way to be happy.  This internalizes powerful negative messages.  It doesn’t help that society’s unhealthy expectations are the hardest to overcome.

Red Flags of the False Self

1. Self-Hate. When we self-hate we say that we don’t like (insert trait here) about ourselves or that we are too stupid. We tell ourselves that we cannot do anything right. It’s very depressing and often feels hopeless. It’s a battle I’ve had with myself every day due to the bullying I faced in elementary.

2. Self-Punishment. To reconcile self-hate the mind tells us that we deserve it. It’s yet another vicious cycle. Your child may not participate in something they once loved because they feel they don’t deserve the reward. They become increasingly self-critical of themselves. Your child may put less energy into things they once enjoyed or their friendships.  They may be more combative and argumentative with siblings.  They are generally depressed when they blame the failure on themselves and angry when they perceive that it is someone else’s fault.

When a child self-punishes in this way, they may be preempting a punishment that they feel or are afraid is going to come down the line.  I know I was guilty of this in my own childhood and I’m sure, if you look back, you’ll find a moment when you felt the same way and punished yourself for it. Even if it really wasn’t something you should have felt guilty about.

3. Self-destruction. When punishing yourself and hating yourself doesn’t work, humans often seek a way to escape themselves. This may come in the form of cutting, substance abuse, or eating disorders. Once again they give a semblance of control over the issue. All of these are issues that should cause you to seek help before you seriously harm yourself. Remember as a pagan that we seek to harm none, including ourselves, and that our body is our temple.

Remember that your children may not be seeking to harm themselves. It is about having control over something.  Just look out for warning signs of self-destruction as they can lead to suicidal tendencies.

Developing the True Self

Now, I’m just a mama with a BA is Psych. I’m working towards that Masters as soon as I get the money, but I’m no expert. I can’t tell you how to fix your problems. I can only share what I believe is valid advice based on what I know and what I’ve learned in my short time as a parent and my seven years of college.

If you come to a point where you don’t think you can fix a problem in your child’s life (or your own), remember that it is okay to ask for help. Even I have needed help on occasion to fight the demons of my past that created my false self. It’s a battle that some days I win and others I loose. This is all the more reason why we need to help our children develop these healthy habits and ideas while they are young.

That is why I feel the need to share what I learn with everyone out there.  Part of the reason I put myself out there is because I don’t want to make the same mistakes others have. It’s also because I’ve been in some of these places and I don’t want to see anyone make my mistakes again.  Many of the concepts from this book deeply resonate with me and my own experiences during childhood and I don’t want Freya to face the same thing.

So, let’s take a look at ways to build our children’s true selves.

1. Know the True Self. This goes back to the concept of to know, to dare, to will, and to be silent. For our purposes here, think of to know as knowing yourself. Or in this case, your child knowing themselves. One way to help your child learn this is to expose them to essential life affirming values such as honesty, love, compassion, integrity, etc. The more firmly rooted in these ideals, the less society can detract from those core values.

2. Second, we have to help them understand what the true self is. You have to help them figure out (without telling them) what their strengths, weaknesses, and values are. You have to help them determine what they find important in their lives without imposing your thoughts onto theirs. It’s hard and it doesn’t happen overnight.

3. Place an emphasis on knowing themselves. This keeps it at the front of their minds, which can help them resist the negative messages of the world around them. It also means teaching our children to critically analyze the messages that they are receiving from all forms of media and their social outlets. Teach them that negativity only brings more negativity. Teach them to kick the habit of searching for the negative in the world around them early.

4. Wage war against the false self. Have discussions about the negative messages in the world as your child discovers them. Help them and support them fight this unhealthy mask that skews who they are as an individual.  I’m not saying that we don’t already try to do this. All I’m saying is that we have to be persistent and consistent in our actions and message. Part of this is being a role model to your child. Show them how you fight it. If you need help with this see Building You in my other blog Lessons from the Goddess.

Show that you are not seduced by society’s destructive messages about how we should live.  Reframe negative messages into positive ones by altering them to reflect your fundamental values.

Some Final Tips

1. Negativity only begets negativity.
2. Don’t throw stones from a glass house. Essentially don’t disparage others when you are struggling with the same or similar issues. This only breeds distrust. We also have to teach our children to act as we should.
3. Be careful who, when and how you criticize. You want to get help and help others. Being too critical only breeds defensiveness. This relates both to being a role model and to building your child’s self-esteem.
4. Lectures breed resistance. I know when someone lectured me as a child and as an adult I made me less likely to want to do what they were asking me to. The same goes for sermons.
5. Low expectations breed low performance.
6. Lack of faith creates insecurity.
7. In a way Yoda was at least partially right when he said the following: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” See this blog for the full article   Anger can lead to fear and fear can lead people down a dark path.

On the other side of the coin:

1. Positive thinking brings more positivity to our lives.
2. Positive expectations lead to fruitful achievement.
3. Love breeds trust.
4. Affirmation of the true self motivates us to continue growing.
5. Success breeds confidence.
6. Being involved leads to learning something.
7. Faith breeds security.

Unconditional Love?

Today is all about self-esteem in relation to love and expectation.  Everyone knows how important love is in our lives and if you don’t, you’re missing out on something great. However, not many evaluate how love plays into their self-esteem, or the esteem of their children.  This can cause a lot of misperceptions and problems if we aren’t careful.

But before we delve too far into this topic, I want to ask you two seemingly simple questions.

One, is there really such a thing as unconditional love?

Two, is there a right or good way to practice conditional love?

The answers may seem simple, but I think you’ll find after reading this post, that they are far more complicated than we would like to believe.

So love is the word of the day.  Every religion says something about love and its importance.  Christianity has love thy neighbor, which is a form of the Golden rule. AKA. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Even paganism has its own equivalent, do no harm. That is but another form of respect for both us and others.

Let’s start with unconditional love. What is it? In simple terms it is the idea that we love someone or something no matter what they do.

So does it exist?

The answer? Yes and No. Now hear me out before you possibly get mad.

Theoretically and long term, yes it does exist for most people.  At the end of the day most rational human beings love their child no matter what they have done. In reality however, love is somewhat conditional by personal perception, even if it is conditional only momentarily.

So what does that mean? Well, all of us have gotten angry at our child at some point or another, no matter how old they are. And we have had to take moments away from our child before speaking to them. Or maybe you sent them to their room, withdrawing affection for an hour or two.  While we may still love them, their perception of the situation is that we don’t love them in that moment. It may or may not be true (usually not), but the perception still exists in the child’s mind.

We do the same thing as adults. When we get angry, that emotion can momentarily, affect our love for someone else, or even cause us to question it. If you have ever withheld relations from your significant other you have practiced conditional love. If you have avoided speaking to someone, you have participated in conditional love.  It’s true because you have created a perception that the love that you share with this other person is in question or danger.

To quote Psychology Today The phrase unconditional love is usually mentioned in other contexts where love is never unconditional.

As a side note I really want to stress that conditional love does not mean that we ever stop loving our child or anyone else. It is the perception that one is in danger of losing love due to the consequences of an action.

We’ve all done it some point. It’s a harsh truth I know, but most love is, in some form, conditional.  I hate to admit it, but conditional love is one way that we as parents control our children.  When we display displeasure in the actions of our children, they perceive it as a danger to our approval and many children equate approval to love.

However, we have to be careful what “conditions” we place on love.  Some conditions are damaging and others are serious enough to be considered abuse.  The ever popular flavor since the eighties has been achievement, which has led to self-esteem being related to what we accomplish instead of who we are.

This is a real problem as it causes us to disconnect from who we are as an individual. That’s not good for a pagan, or anyone for that matter.  One of the, for lack of a better term, “doctrines” of our faith is to know, to will, to dare, and to be silent.  To know is not only knowing information, but knowing ourselves.  We don’t want our children to associate their worth with achievement over their personality.

In all reality, the problem isn’t unconditional love, as we have already established that all love has at least perceived conditions.   The problem is the conditions people place on love.

Conditions on Love

1. Love should never be conditional on the success of a child in their endeavors and failure should never be punished. Instead we should help our children dust themselves off, get back up, and try again. Outcome love produces children who live in a state of fear. They believe that if they are not successful that they will not be loved by their parents or others. They work so hard to maintain their grades or do good in a task that it stresses them out.

2. Never dangle the carrot. You are dangling the carrot if your child’s success is never enough. Relish what your child achieves and help them brush off the failures.  We need to encourage them and find tools to help them succeed instead of withdrawing support, communication or physical contact.

3.The human doing vs the human being. When we dangle love or promote outcome love, we cause children to think that they can only be loved if they meet their parents’ expectations. I’ve been here before. It was a big part of the reason I was afraid to come out of the broom closet. I was afraid to lose the love of everyone important to me because of the expectations of the community I lived in; when in reality the people who loved me most didn’t care or at least, didn’t hold it against me.

Human doings are often list people who don’t feel good until all the tasks on their list are accomplished. Due to some forces outside of my house, I faced this form of conditional love as a child and it can take a toll on you.  It makes it hard to accept failure and it makes you feel like you don’t deserve love. It’s also very hard to overcome.

4. Unhealthy expectations. A goal is something that we aspire to while an expectation is an assumption that something will be achieved. Goals may not be reached, but expectations should almost always be met in our minds. With a goal the mantra is that it is fine to reach for the star, but realize that you may not reach it. When we fail at an expectation, we feel that we lose something that is already had, even if you never had it in the first place.

Let me give you an example of a healthy vs unhealthy expectation.  Healthy expectations would include expecting yourself or your child to be kind, respectful, responsible, hard working, etc. On the other hand, it is unhealthy for us to expect that our children will never get a bad grade, will automatically go to (insert College name here), or do exactly everything we wish they would do.

It is important to have expectations, but we have to evaluate them and make sure that they are rational or feasible.  We cannot expect our children to meet expectations over which they have no control or only partial control either. For example, winning the big game.  If we hold unrealistic expectations we can cause our children to believe that they are incapable of being successful in the future.

Eventually they can even internalize these unrealistic expectations and their discomfort will follow them forward into their adult lives.  If our children place too much value on being perfectionist we have done them a great disservice. Perfectionism has been linked to eating disorders, social phobia, procrastination, fear of failure, depression, performance anxiety, and poor stress coping.

5. Unhealthy praise and punishment. Too much praise can put pressure on a child to maintain that level and too little praise can discourage them. The same thing goes for punishment. And that line depends on your child, your family dynamic, and the punishment. It’s a line that no one can define for you.

Positive Conditions for Love

1. Values love. This is the idea that we promote love that is perceived conditional on adopting good values and acting in socially appropriate ways. It goes back to the disapproval of an action that causes the perception of the withdrawal of love. You are trying to internalize good behavior and values in those moments of anger or frustration that you express when your child has disappointed you. As pagan parents, we should be focused on teaching good morals anyway.

2. Create a human being. Your child’s success has to come from within them. Foster individuality and don’t expect perfection. I know it sounds simple enough, but you’d be surprised how many parents I hear say exactly this and then do the exact opposite.

3. Create healthy expectations. Look at your expectations and help your child evaluate theirs (which are most likely based on some role model in their lives). Make sure to explain why an expectation is unrealistic and help them to set a more realistic expectation for themselves. Ask them what they expect of themselves and why they expect that.

4. Also make sure that you are walking the walk yourself. Model healthy expectations for yourself.

5. Make sure your child has control over the expectations you set for them. A child has no control over whether or not they make this team or get into that school. All they can do is go out and give it their all. In the end it’s up to the people in charge of the programs.

6. Set expectations on determination, hard work, and persistence in their efforts. My parents always encouraged me to try my best. As long as I was working as hard as I could to improve that math grade, I was meeting their expectations. After I had tried my hardest we sought out tools to help me like tutors or after school study groups at the local church. It’s fine to expect your child to do chores or to participate in family activities. These promote values and morals that you want your child to possess.

7. Clearly communicate expectations and enforce them. Be consistent. Make sure your children know that there are consequences

8. And when your child messes up, which we know they inevitably will, talk it through with them. Discuss why it was wrong and what you can do as a family to prevent a similar problem in the future.

Conclusion

Just remember that conditional love doesn’t mean that you only love your child when they do x, y, or z. It is about the perception the child has of our supposed conditions and how that affects their emotional well-being. We want them to learn from their mistakes, but we don’t want them to attribute their happiness in life to the wrong facets of life.

Healthy expectations are key in this and it can be really hard to accurately and impartially assess your own expectations for yourself or your child, so find a sounding board, someone you trust as a wise sage to help you if you need to.  You’re never alone in parenting. It takes a village. I know I take advice from all my friends and elders who are parents. I ask my own parents for advice.  They are my sounding board.

And finally, always cherish your child for who he or she is and not just what they do.  We all want what’s best for our kids and we can all get a little crazy trying to do that. So just stop, take a breath, and take a moment to make sure that your expectations and goals are all in the best interests of your child’s well-being.

Blessed Be.

Self Esteem and my Weekly Reading

Self Esteem

Self-esteem….it’s a word I hate to hear. It is tossed around way too often. It is a combination of several factors in our lives from people to events to our parents. While there are many components, this book is teaching me that its way more complicated than I ever thought, which makes sense.  Usually something that is easy to break down is far harder to fix.

Still, we don’t want our children to struggle in the real world. And to do that we have to give them the keys to succeed, which can even mean we have to do nothing.  So let’s take a look at what all goes into self-esteem.

1. Security & competence

Part of self-esteem is the feeling that we are loved, valued, and important to the world around us, particularly our families. This forms a sense of security which anchors our children during times of trouble.  Our children should always feel like they can come to us without it affecting how we feel for them. It’s easy for us to feel and far harder for a parent to convey.

I know personally what it feels like to be close to your parents and in the one moment you need them to be that anchor they fail. Nearly all of us have had those moments, experiences may vary, and some are worse than others, but just about all of us have been there.

Second, our children need to feel some sort of mastery over their lives. Another hard task when we want to protect them from every hurt.  That’s one of the reasons I love Montessori. There is a focus on being an observer before intervening in a child’s exploration of the world. We have to let them try and see where they struggle before we can really help them.

It can be hard to put aside this urge and let our children explore the world. However, we must resist the urge to be overprotective.  If we do, we take away chances for our children to gain competency.  When we become too overprotective we run the risk of leaving them incapable of dealing with everyday emotional issues causing anxiety, stress, and distress.

While we would love for our kids to always win, this also means that we have to let them fail, so that they can understand that it is just another learning experience. It isn’t forever and it doesn’t define them or their place in our hearts.

So how do we develop these two important traits? First we have to show unconditional love no matter what we show frustration at. It doesn’t matter if its grades or an action. No matter how frustrated or angry we become at our children failing to meet our expectations, at the end of the day, they still have to feel that unconditional love.  If we can’t manage this, they may end up feeling that our love is contingent on their success and that’s a big burden for any child.  For example it’s better to say that you have to do better if you want to reach your goals than it is to say that we’re disappointed that you didn’t do well on your test today.

Secondly, children need to know that they can take risks and make mistakes. They need to know that they can explore the world within boundaries set by you. Without boundaries the world can be a scary place and without a chance to make mistakes, take risks, or adventure, the world can seem very small and limited.

And how do we develop competence? Well the first thing we all need to understand is that our children have to believe that they can succeed and achieve if they are going to be able to achieve. Any pagan knows that belief is powerful. We believe in magick, spells, and in the rituals that we do.  We believe in spirits and powers that we cannot see, but sometimes we forget to believe in our own, or our children’s dreams/ability to achieve amazing feats.

Henry Ford said it best “If you do or don’t think you can do something….you’re right.”

First, we have to make sure that our children learn that there are consequences for their actions. This is the easy part. With Freya we’ve been letting her practice drinking with a shot glass. I’m not worried about her breaking it. If she tosses it and it breaks, it just offers an opportunity for her to learn that if she throws it, it breaks.

It also ties into the rule of three in its own way.  Part of understanding the consequences of their actions is realizing that you get back what you put into your efforts.  It’s the idea that when you are a good person and do good things, good things come back to you in your life. The same is true of bad things. And as simple a concept as it is, it can be hard depending on what the problem is.

If we instead protect our children from consequences and their actions, we get one of three things, a spoiled child who has always gotten their way, a neglected child who gets what he wants no matter what they do, or a frustrated child who doesn’t understand why they never get what they want.  These children don’t try as hard because they don’t think that their actions matter.

In the end our children need to understand the importance of their actions in the midst of their natural talents and hard work. It takes a wide variety of experiences to build a firm foundation and understanding of this. More importantly you have to let your children know that they can do it. If you put positivity into their upbringing they are more likely to exhibit those same tendencies.

Once our children learn global competence, they can then translate this to specific activities on their own. Yes, I said it, on their own.  You can support them and guide them, but ultimately, they have to start doing their work and activities on their own. One is important to the other. A specific belief doesn’t help the child in the broader picture and a broad belief doesn’t matter if they can’t apply it to their passions

Self Reflection

Just as our children have to feel confident and competent they have to be able to reflect on who they are. Many of us don’t learn this until we are much older.  It’s hard to accept the dark along with the light, but it’s important to each of us as we grown in life and in faith.  I know I still struggle to see my own faults some days.  Ignoring our faults only causes us to falter even more.  We have to remember that the big picture is more important than immediate success and that improving ourselves, in the long run, will make us more successful as any of us pursue our own endeavors.

If you struggle with your own self-reflection, now is a good time to work on it. Your children are going to pick up on you comfort or discomfort when it comes to inward reflection.  This means being able to admit our own mistakes to our children and significant others when they arise. Not only is it the mature thing to do, but it is a very pagan thing to do. The Goddess wants us and our children to be our best selves and to not hurt those around us. Lying about our own imperfections doesn’t help the family and often ends in someone’s feelings hurt. Bad karma.

We cannot use our imperfections as excuses, but we can use them to display that no one is perfect.  That is simply a part of the human condition. We make mistakes. These mistakes can include inaccurate perceptions of our inward reflections as well. That is why we have to honestly act as a reality check for our children sometimes. We have to be honest, not brutal, nor overestimate their talent, which also means being realistic in our perception of their ability.  It’s a fine line and one that I feel I will often be asking the Goddess for assistance with.

So a few hints and tips for all of us parents….

1. Let your attitude determine your achievement. Not the other way around.
2. Never be afraid to be a kid….have fun (This goes for adults too).
3. Don’t let self-esteem get mixed up in achievements. Achievements aren’t your life in a nutshell.
4. Don’t run away from yourself, embrace the good, the bad, and the quirky.
5. Don’t ignore obstacles, overcome them.
6. Confidence is born of patience and experience
7. Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes (easier said than done).
8. Get into the process, not the result.
9. Doubt is the number one cause of poor achievement. (If you don’t believe me listen to the Ford quote above).
10. Follow your dreams and enjoy the trip.

If you’d like to read this from a more adult perspective….as in how you, as a parent, can work on your own competency and security….see my other blog post in Lessons from the Goddess on the same topic.

Green Pediatrics: A World Full of Natural Treatments

In the first part we discussed what a green pediatrician is and talked about some of the hallmarks of their profession. We also discussed vaccines and their problems in relation to green pediatrics.  If you did not read the post there is a link to it here (insert blog link).

Today I want to talk about a few other things that relate to green pediatrics and our children’s overall health.

Childhood Allergies

Childhood allergies seem to be on the rise, just like childhood disease.  Whether it be seasonal, food, skin rashes, asthma, or respiratory problems, more children are acquiring these problems than ever before. As of 2007, as a nation, these disorders were affecting 35 million people in this country and we spend an estimated 6 billion a year in treatment. That’s not including productivity time lost due to appointments and such.

What is causing this rise? Well, the obvious culprits are pollutants in our environment and over stimulation to our immune system, due to these environmental factors. Unlike our ancestors, we are exposed to more allergens than ever before. Our immune systems were never intended to handle all of the toxins we meet in our daily lives.  It has caused us to become more sensitive to allergens, says Dr. Michael Rosenbaum in Growing Up Green.

Tips to combat allergies

1. Limit your family’s exposure to controllable allergens like pet dander and tobacco smoke. I know I’ve had to work on this in my parents’ house. My father is not allowed to smoke anywhere but their bathroom due to my allergies and my mother’s health issues.
2. If you can afford them, get high efficiency particulate air filters in every room of your house. This is something I want to work on once I get my own place.
3. In humid areas use dehumidifiers to limit mold growth. We have to do this due to my allergies.
4. You can purchase allergy proof bedding to reduce symptoms if you have consistent problems. If not, then regularly wash your linens in hot water.
5. Wash stuffed animals as they can hold onto dander and allergens.
6. Carpet is an enemy to anyone with allergies. Either vaccum regularly or try to get rid of them.
7. Use non-toxic house hold cleaners.
8. Talk to you pediatrician about natural supplements that can help with preventing allergies. Some of these include: probiotics and essential fatty acids.
9. Neti pots are your friend….and if that won’t clear it…try this recipe to clear your sinuses with one: 1 drop peroxide, 1 drop apple cider vinegar, a pinch sea salt and baking soda, and boiled water that has been cooled to room temp. It hurts but it’s the only thing that clears my sinuses.

The Dirty Theory

The dirty theory proposes that the rise in all these health conditions has to do with not allowing our children’s immune systems to develop naturally.  This includes protecting them from everything dirty and overexposing them to antibiotics instead of allowing the immune system to do its job. Some of these toxic chemicals we use to clean our homes also destroy too many bacteria. We have become so germ phobic, with little to no need, that our immune systems don’t get their proper exercise.

There are tons of bacteria that are beneficial to our health. Our intestines would not work without some of the bacteria that live there and our body has to learn to tell the difference. That becomes harder when we don’t allow our bodies that opportunity.

If you would like to learn more about hygiene hypothesis or the dirty theory, there are tons of articles out there.

And if you would like to learn about helpful bacteria in the body, here is a link from Scientific American

Antibiotic Overload

We touched on this in the last article, but antibiotics are used way too often in modern society. A kid gets sick, the school wants them to immediately go to the doctor, get on meds, and come back to school. I know it’s inconvenient when your kid misses school, but pumping them full of meds that prevent their immune system from getting its workout isn’t the answer. Nor is sending them to school where they can infect more students.

This is not to say that antibiotics are bad. They are a great tool and they aren’t dangerous, but we do pay a price for using them too often.  The more we use antibiotics the more resistant our bodies become to them. If we overuse them, they won’t work as well when we really need them to.  Continuing this trend will most likely create superbugs that we can no longer treat.

It doesn’t help that they are encountering it in other items they eat and drink either. Milk and meat are pumped full of antibiotic due to our horrible farming practices.

Growing Up Green presents a few alternative options. I’ve posted a few of them on my Herbal Remedies page. The one I did not include was for colic as it was fairly intensive and meant looking at your diet and mental health. So, if you are struggling with colic in your baby you might look up colic in Growing up Green on Google Books if you just need to read that section.

I would also recommend looking up homeopathic and natural remedies whenever you can. I’m not saying to use them for serious conditions. Only that a cold or cough doesn’t need cough syrup when chamomile tea and honey will work just as well.  There are natural remedies made with organic, non-toxic products that you can make at home for cheap (and most of the time they work better than the overpriced stuff you buy at the store).  For example, burns can be treated with aloe vera plants, poison ivy can be treated with a tincture made of different plants. Or on a slightly less organic track, toothpaste can be used to make zits shrink.

Or if you’re not into making your own remedies I suggest looking up Boiron products. They are all natural holistic alternatives.

The Happy Pill

Just as antibiotics are over prescribed, so are meds for other mental health issues.  From ADHD to depression, the doctors these days just want to throw meds at the problem without diagnosing the underlying issue. As a college graduate with a Bachelor’s in psychology this really disgusts me and is a disservice to the profession, as well as those they serve.

If we just look for the underlying causes we won’t have to use medication.  Some problems like ADHD can be related to diet, while others may be rooted in past events and experiences in life.  Giving a child, or adult, a pill and hoping the problem goes away is like putting a band aide on a gaping wound.

Not to mention the side effects that these meds may have.  Unfortunately green medicine is fairly rare in psychology and mental disorders.  I really do wish that we would stop trending toward self-gratification and the quick fix.  Instead we’re putting children on meds that could damage their long term development because their minds and bodies are not fully developed.

I realize that some parents do not see an alternative, but there are solutions, you just have to look for them and find holistic doctors. It really is a choice and a lifestyle.  The problem can be vitamins, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, or hormonal imbalances.  These are complex issues that simply cannot be cured or treated with a pill and there not be consequences.

Head Lice

We know it runs rampant through the school system at times. Or you might catch it from your child’s friend. I know I often had to treat myself for it. But very few people know that lice are actually attracted to clean hair, so don’t take the infestation as an insult. However, please don’t insult your body by using toxic chemicals to remove the pests when there are much better alternatives. Using agricultural pesticides on our scalp or those of our children does not sound like a good idea.

Some oils can be used to prevent lice, such as tea tree, rosemary, lemon and ylang-ylang.  If you already have it before you can work on prevention there are a couple of simple household products that work just as well if not better. You still need the lice comb though. Slathering your head with mayo , vegetable oil, or olive oil works great. I recommend vegetable oil as it is the easiest to get out of the hair. Just soak your child’s scalp and hair in the oil and cover it for about forty five minutes. The dense oil suffocates the pests and then you wash it out and nitpick just like you would otherwise.  Another preventative tool is to rinse your hair in apple cider vinegar at the end of a shower. It just takes about a fourth of a cup poured over the scalp. It makes it harder for the little buggers to latch on.

Growing Up Green recommends an oil mixture of tea tree, ylang-ylang, anise, rosemary, marjoram, sage and eucalyptus in a coconut oil base.  Mix it with a small amount of shampoo and leave it on for fifteen to thirty minutes then wash and repeat daily for a week.

These are just a few of the ways you can go green with your medical routine.

Blessed Be.

Green Pediatrics For A Healthier Child

Dr. Lawrence Rosen created a philosophy of whole child care. Some people have named this philosophy Green Pediatrics.  In his model children are more than just physical beings, which is true. Just like the rest of us they have a mind, a body, and a spirit. All of which are important to the whole. Just as someone who suffers mentally have issues in other spectrums, so do our children.

Green pediatricians believe that a child’s health is not just dependent on their physical state, but also how they interact with their parents, family and community.  And all those systems have an impact on the child’s health. To me this makes a lot of sense.  Environment is just as important, if not more important than genetics in many cases.  There is a reason for the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” A child is raised by all the elements in their lives from schools, to doctors, the parents, and all the way down to the social groups they end up participating in.

While the philosophy behind the practice is important, what impresses me the most about this method is the how a green pediatrician handles the child’s health.  The focus is on preventative and natural treatment. There is a large focus on letting the body create its own defense and only incorporating outside chemicals (medications) when absolutely necessary.  Rosen tells it like it is when he says that there are no magic pills or quick fixes in medicine. And that’s a lie that we’ve been fed by big pharma and Western medicine for years.

These integrative pediatricians are searching for healthier ways to treat the symptoms of childhood illnesses. And while it is great to have the newest tech, they are realizing that they have to have a gentler touch. These doctors are now realizing that sometimes it takes a simpler touch. Yes, it’s great to have the high tech tools and medicines if you need them, but they are not always needed.

Diet and Holistic Treatment

The emphasis is on more holistic therapies where possible. This is where occupational therapy, horse therapy, water therapy, psychology, and even reiki are being used by some of these doctors. All of this is in an attempt to keep the body from being harmed by unnecessary toxic contamination in the form of pills or other interventions.  They are putting greater emphasis on nutrition and diet as well. And it all makes sense. How can we treat a sick body when we keep feeding it foods that will only make it sicker?

Let me give you an example. I have two cousins who have a number of developmental issues. At one point both of them were really sick.  Their mom eventually started going for more natural foods for her children. It started with driving two hours to Louisville just to find a health food store (Indiana isn’t known for its health and they live in the boonies). Eventually she bought them chickens and a goat to keep as pets and they harvested their own eggs and milk. They don’t feed the goats or chickens antibiotics or chemicals unless absolutely necessary.

And you know what happened? The girls became healthier as their body managed to eject the toxins. They weren’t allergic to the processed foods per se, but their bodies simply couldn’t function optimally on sub par nutrition. Now it’s great that she had the money to do that, but where does that leave the rest of us? The answer is doing the best we can with what we have and making as many adjustments or investments as we can afford to.  It’s a process, but one that is well worth it.

And those are just two hallmarks of green pediatrics. First, a turn away from using medication for every single cough or sniffle and, second, an emphasis on nutrition as a means of preventing chronic illness.

I love this for Freya. We go to a green nurse practitioner and she’s actually better than just about any doctor I’ve ever met….and I’ve met a lot of doctors over the years due to my mother’s health issues. She listens to our concerns. She is willing to work with us. Best of all, she wants Freya’s immune system to do the work, rather than a medicine, whenever possible.

Vaccines

This is a topic of debate even for green pediatricians. Some believe that you should and some believe that you shouldn’t. In the end you have to weigh your options, do the research, and determine what is best for your family.

I personally believe that vaccines are not evil in and of themselves. I think that mumps, measles, rubella, are all necessary. I don’t necessarily think that the flu or chickenpox vaccines are a good idea however. Those are constantly changing bugs that we are only making stronger through continuous intervention. Not to mention, I’ve had horrible luck with the flu vaccine. Every time I’ve had it I’ve gotten the flu and it always seems worse than the years I haven’t gotten the vaccine.

My personal issue with vaccines is the lack of research on how multiple vaccinations interact with one another. There are some states that schedule three or four vaccines for one visit. Not only are our bodies not designed to fend off so many problems at once, but the interactions between most of these vaccines have never been tested. We know they are safe by themselves, but we have no clue what they do in our bodies when combined. Worse yet, there is enough anecdotal evidence concerning vaccine injuries that we should be worried about these un-researched interactions. That is why we do our best to split up Freya’s shots, even if that means an extra appointment.

Still, I want to highlight a potential drawback of vaccines, if for no other reason than to make you aware that they exist.

1.The rise in vaccines. Vaccines are sometimes considered medicine’s greatest lifesaver. And while they have been used to eradicate or control many contagious diseases, we’ve added lesser diseases to the list. Some of this is in an attempt to see what we can quick fix and some of it is to keep kids from missing school quite as often.  However did you know that when most of us parents were little we were given no more than ten to fifteen vaccines? Or did you know that in the last twenty years that number has risen to, on average, forty nine doses of vaccines before the age of six? It’s a big jump and often an unnecessary one.

The chart below is an image from Growing Up Green. It shows the differences between a child vaccinated in 1983 and one vaccinated in 2007.

 

It’s a big jump. You can see the current schedule on the CDC website.

2. There are some advocates that are worried that too many vaccines can cause even more health problems. If you look at the list above, you might assume that we have the healthiest children in the world, but the sad truth is that the opposite is true. Even more so, in other countries doctors have proven, even in a court of law, that vaccines are not necessary, just useful tools. And one of my favorite health websites, Mercola, posted this article, which also shares the potential dangers of vaccine.

3.While rare vaccine injuries and adverse reactions do exist. Very few parents seem to realize this and even less do research on the topic. Unfortunately our current system fails to realize that each child is different and doesn’t take into account other health concerns related to their past or current issues. Just as we don’t expect our children to fit in a one size fits all mold for anything else, we shouldn’t expect that to work here. Dr. Rosen has been advocating for prescreening children (not sure how) to make sure that the vaccine schedule meets their individual needs and concerns.

Normal vaccine side effects include fever and irritation. More extreme reactions to watch out for are anaphylactic reaction, rashes and swelling, extreme sleepiness, vomiting, diarrhea, behavior change, convulsions and shock. In the most extreme cases children with vaccine injuries have gone from normally functioning toddlers to being unable to walk or speak, but this is VERY rare.

If your child ever experiences any of these more extreme reactions, the CDC recommends that you call the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System by phone 800-822-7967 or online at www.haers.hhs.gov And for more information on contradictions to vaccines, see the CDC”s contradictions to vaccines chart on their website.

4. Some vaccines contain additives and preservatives that should raise concern. While they are used to stabilize, prevent germ growth, and prevent spoilage, some of these ingredients greatly concern me as they have been linked to other health issues. Aluminum is used to help stimulate the growth of antibodies. However, it has been suggested that it may toxic to the neurological, respiratory, reproductive, and cardiovascular system. It’s also been linked to Alzheimer’s disease. Antibiotics are used, which we all know that overuse of antibiotics can lead to resistance later in life when our bodies have greater need of them. Egg protein, which little children can be allergic to is found in vaccines as is formaldehyde, which kills unwanted bacteria. Some vaccines even have MSG, which has been linked to several health issues. Vaccines can even contain mercury, to which it has been determined there are no safe levels of mercury contamination.

All of these issues make me very cautious to use some vaccinations. It makes me want to do a lot more research into the recommended vaccinations my child is going to be receiving in the future. We all need to be careful and ask to read the insert in those vaccine boxes. You may meet resistance, but that may mean you don’t have a green doctor or a doctor willing to listen to your concerns. Never forget that you are a consumer buying a product. If you aren’t happy with the practice, find another one. Until we know the full effect of these vaccination cocktails on our children’s delicate and immature immune systems, we should all use caution.  Don’t be intimidated and stand your ground if you have any concerns about your child’s health. That’s our job as parents.

There are too many doctors who are more concerned with protecting themselves than the potential hazards some interventions may pose to our children.

Going Green as a Family: An intorduction

So, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, I’m going to start aiming for three articles a week. If I can create more content than that, I will, but I have to make sure I actually have time to practice what I preach.

I will also let you in on another little secret: Not even I can take all the steps listed here. I know that time and money constraints do limit what families can do.  Just take your time and add one thing at a time as you can.

I’m going to be mentioning a lot of information from various sites, but if you’re looking to go green before your baby is born, let me recommend this book that I found at the library: Growing Up Green.  I do have it linked later on in the article.

We’ve mentioned before that everyone wants to do what’s best for their child.  We want to keep them safe. Unfortunately, that can mean a lot of different things to different people. It includes many things for me, but I’m here to talk about one in particular. For me one of the dangers of modern society is all the chemicals in our lives.

Part of this is providing healthy food that isn’t overly processed with chemicals that have potentially been linked to all sorts of health issues. Harmful toxins permeate our houses in the form of bleach, chemical cleaners, and other substances we use to manage dirt and unwanted pests in our homes among other things.

While I know I cannot eliminate them from my life entirely, I can work to eliminate as many of these potential dangers as possible and I can usually save some money in the process.  I read everyday about the rise of disease in this country. Today I was reading Growing up Green, and they talked about the rise in pediatric cancers, asthma, and obesity. The first chapter said that 1 in 6 children now have a learning disability and that approximately 1 in 150 have Autism.

While we know that this may be partially generics, until we prove otherwise, we must also admit that at least a part of these problems may be due to these chemicals and toxins in our lives that are never tested as thoroughly as they should be. I could cite and discuss all sorts of practices by companies peddling us products that are both bad for the earth and bad for us, but anyone looking and reading can tell you about that.

Just look at companies like Monsanto, who produce genetically modified crops. Their products are often studied for six months or less. Definitely not enough time to determine health issues in the long run.  The same can be said of many other companies. This is just one example.

We do know that many diseases have environmental factors. We also know that genetics plays a role, but which one plays the larger role? Honestly, I would say that it depends on the disease. Something like Tay Sachs is obviously genetic, but asthma may not be depending on your family history.

While some doctors are claiming these diseases are caused by genetic epidemics or massive changes in DNA, we know that DNA does not change that quickly. It takes centuries or more for traits to rise and fall in a single species. Which means that most likely many of these diseases are caused by environmental factors.  However, we are not currently researching what environmental factors could be causing many of these diseases and sometimes possible culprits are ignored by greedy companies more concerned with money than the health of our children.

Dr. Frederica Perera, director of Columbia Univesity’s Center for Children’s Environmental health said: “Genes alone do not explain these increases, but they do play a role with other factors. We have to think about all these factors together.” So to understand the root cause of these rising childhood health problems we have to look outside of our DNA as well. With us seeing such a rise, logic would indicate that the cause is the damage we have done to our world and to ourselves through toxins in our food, water, cleaning supplies, etc.

Scientist are just barely beginning to scratch the surface on the effects of environmental factors on our genetics.  For example, only 5-10% of cancer cases can be attributed to genetics. Part of the problem is that it is highly unlikely that one exposure or even one chemical causes the problem. It could be a combination of many of them.  We may be damaging our DNA, which will only affect our grandchildren and their children down the line.

The bottom line is that our best line of defense is to try to prevent exposure in the first place. We can’t eliminate all toxins from our lives, but we can minimize our exposure by minimizing their existence in our homes.

The Basics of Going Green

1. Exercise. It’s a great natural detoxifier and its healthy. The more you sweat the more you get out. And of course, drink lots of water. I know, I have trouble with this one too, but it will also teach your child healthy life habits.

2. Start to decrease or eliminate your intake of any drugs.

3. Probably the most obvious tip is to clean up your diet. Cut out the frozen processed foods and opt for more natural options. Also try to avoid GMO’s.

Greening Your Home

1. Green your shopping: The more of us who band together and buy as many green products and foods as we can, the more likely the market is to change toward that trend. Just watch out for false green items. Read the labels and when you have time, research the companies.  There are already states making minor headway towards complete GMO labeling and in Europe it is a reality and it all started with a few families rebelling and sharing their stories.

2. Green your clean: The healthiest moments in my life occurred during high school, and no, it wasn’t just because I was young. My parents were using a set of products from a company called Maleleuca. Everything was organic and based in natural products, but it was prohibitively expensive, which led to me seeking my own homemade alternatives. For example, I clean the kitchen floor with a mix of water, apple cider vinegar and some lemon or orange oil. The vinegar is a natural antibacterial as are the oils and you only have to use a few drops. It saves me a lot of money on cleaning supplies. I plan on one of my future posts being entirely comprised of these sort of recipes.  If you only knew what all the chemicals in our house have already been proven to be linked to, you’d be disgusted. Just look at this link from Sustainable Baby Steps to learn more about bleach.

Here are some safe alternatives. GTC (Greening the Cleaning), Seventh Generation, and Sun & Earth. However, I find many of them too expensive. Hence why I make my own. And trust me there are plenty of articles out there. Here is just one example from Keeper of the Home. It just takes some research to be able to save yourself some money and make your cleaning green.

3. Greening your Kitchen: Step one is a water filter if you don’t already have one. Right now I’m lucky to live with my parents. My mom has a really nice Japanese one that her doctor prescribed her to use. I wish I could afford it. It is called Kangen Water. However, any filtration you can add to your water will help.  Public water is not purified very well at all and often contains fluoride, which while good for your teeth is not proven safe in large doses.

Second, next time you have to break down and buy a new appliance pay a few extra dollars for the energy efficient model.  It will save you on the energy bill later.  Third, opt for stainless steel when your non stick pan wears out. Recent studies indicate that overheated teflon may be a risk to our health. Why take the risk?

Greening your kitchen also includes better food for your family. I know we can’t all afford to go organic. Heck, I can’t even go organic, but I can opt for healthier meals and buy what I can. Particularly be careful of aspartame (which is actually the poo of a bacteria turned to a sugar like substance, corn syrup, excess of sugars, and artificial sweeteners as they have been linked to cancer and other health issues. If you can, also be wary of where your meat products come from as many farms overuse antibiotics, growth hormones and other dangerous toxins. This is one I wish I could do easier in my area, but was so much easier in Louisville.

In my next article we’ll dig a little bit deeper into other ways to go green as a family. Like I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I’m no saint when it comes to these concepts either. I do the best I can with the resources I have. And I’m constantly trying to add more steps to my repertoire while maintaining my own sanity and a little bit of free time to myself. I would love to do more, but sometimes such things are simply unfeasible. However, even implementing a few of them will help protect your child from potential dangers in your own home.

Baby Lead Weaning and My So-Called Diet

We all want to lose that weight after we give birth and there’s a lot of material I remember reading in the hospital saying that if you don’t get rid of it in the first year….it just gets harder to get rid of.  So far that has proven true for me. The longer I wait, the longer and harder it seems to make me work to get rid of it.  Which makes me wish that the adipose in Dr. Who were real and that they could take your fat away without causing harm.  It would be nice to just blow a whistle and have your fat walk away as cute little cuddly looking creatures and be done with it, but that’s not how it works.

First let me say this though. I am not telling you how to diet. That is not what this post is about. This is about how through baby led weaning you can create a healthier diet for you. So if you’re here for the latest fad diet….that’s not me. Personally, I hate to even use the word diet.  Half the time the diets I see out there would have you eat so little that you just feel worse, which in my case just makes me feel fat.  You don’t need to starve yourself to lose weight.

Secondly, our cultural norm of who is fat is way out of wack. According to The Obesity Complex and this article, not only is BMI off (especially since it doesn’t take any muscle into account), but a little bit more fat than what we consider average can be a good thing. When I read The Obesity Complex last year I learned that someone in the “at risk” or “slightly in the danger zone”, is more likely to survive a heart attack, some major surgeries, and live longer. This is not to say that there is no such thing as too fat and obesity is still in issue in this country. However, the danger zone may be a bit higher than we think.

So now that I have the ranting and raving about my issues with dieting and the medical health profession out of the way, why don’t I share with you what I came here to: the way I’m losing weight with a baby.

When I decided I was having my precious little Freya, I decided that I was going to eat healthier. This worked until I moved home and after I failed at breast feeding. I guess I shouldn’t say failed. I tried everything from a lactation consultant to a doctor and after four months of breast milk flowing the way it should, my body just decided to stop cooperating. It was very frustrating and I lost the path I had promised myself. I feel back into my bad addiction of eating foods I know I shouldn’t and setting a bad example for Freya.

That lasted two months until we started talking about solids. Now, Freya had already had some solid foods before she turned six months because sometimes formula was not enough and she had some issues with formula, even the gentle. So about once a day she had very tiny little bits of this or that and baby cereal.  Still, when we started talking about real food all the time, I wanted Freya to eat healthier than her father and I have tended to in the past.

That’s where the baby led weaning came in. Freya wasn’t a big fan of baby food, especially once my mom started feeding her bits of sausage. She would eat it eventually, but she wasn’t exactly happy about it. She would much rather have her Cheerios or some bits of fresh fruits and veggies instead.  It also helped that nearly all the research indicated that helping baby eat healthy often led to you eating healthy, but let me come back to that. Let me explain what baby led weaning means first.

What is baby led weaning?

It really is nearly as simple as it sounds. Baby led weaning is the process of weaning your baby by letting them eat along with you. For us it just meant buying a Tupperware mini chopper that we could take with us and feeding her a bit of what each of us has while we are out or at home. Freya loves it. It is important to note that we are talking about the UK definition of weaning where you are adding to the child’s diet. You aren’t just trying to get them all the way off breast milk, though there are some that will say you should work on complete weaning if you are on formula. As far as I’m concerned baby led weaning is a wonderful thing, but you should talk to your pediatrician before beginning to wean your child off formula.

Is it healthy?

According to the most recent research babies start reaching for food around six months. They still take their bottle, but they want to learn and explore food the same way they explore just about anything else….with their mouth. It’s not about nourishment yet, but experience. This is around the same time that mothers are being encouraged to wean their children. This is in accordance with WHO outlines. Of course, every child and pediatrician is different, but ours was fine with Freya eating solid foods instead of baby mush.

What are the advantages?

By this age children are capable of feeding themselves. We just have to cut the food into bites that are the appropriate size. . They may not use a napkin and fork or hold a tea cup with their pinkie finger in the air, but they can put the food in their mouth with their fingers (which is great fine motor skill practice as a side note). Also, while it may be a bit more of a mess, they want to get their fingers in there so that they can learn to do it themselves.

Then there are the advantages for you. You don’t have to carry extra food for each meal, which saves space in the diaper bag. Technically, you don’t even need the chopper we use for bigger food. You can just cut it up yourself.  Second, you don’t have to worry about buying a food processor, baby food, baby cereal, or any of that. The only thing we buy are the yogurt bites because she likes them for a snack in the car and they aren’t that messy.  Finally, you get to enjoy your meal with your child without worrying about how much they reach for your food because you’ll be giving them some of it!

What do you need to get started?

Just a love for food, yourself, your child, and a high chair. Well, we use an adaptable booster seat with a trary. It can be attached to any chair any height. This was more cost effective for us.  You don’t need a bowl and you can feed them with a spoon or let them eat with their fingers. Right now the baby just wants an experience and just as babyledwaning.com says: the baby just wants an experience. That experience can be food from a fork, food fed to them by their own fingers, or by flinging a bowl across the room.

Some Final Tips

1. Just chop up whatever your family is eating. There is no reason to avoid steak. Freya loves it and spaghetti; we just chop it up fairly fine for her.
2. Don’t worry about the mess. A child, their high chair, and your kitchen are cleanable.
3. Try to eat together as a family when possible. Your child is going to watch you eat and learn those social cues through observation. Providing a positive example will lead them to later want to follow your example.
4. Don’t get too hung up on the meals. Yes, try to be healthy, but don’t push yourself too far out of your comfort zone if you’re not used to eating healthier yourself. Make it a gradual change or you may end up frustrating yourself. We had to do that ourselves. For example, first it was getting leaner meats, then it was cutting down/eliminating the soda, and now we’re working on the dreaded veggies, finding out what all we like as a family. So take your time if healthy eating is new to you or you are just now trying to make that change. Don’t overwhelm yourself.
5. Just put a couple of pieces of food on the tray at a time so your child doesn’t get overwhelmed.
6. From what I’ve read and my own personal experience, timing the meals between bottles seems to work best. Freya doesn’t get as frustrated when she’s trying to grab the food if she’s not already hungry.
7. Don’t put everything in your child’s mouth for them. It’s one thing if you’re giving them a slice of something as you chop it up, but if you have them in the high chair let them put it in their mouth. One of the problems we had was that Freya didn’t want anyone to do it for her. She would actually spit it out and put it back in herself!
8. Always have a camera ready. You never know when the best photo op ever will arise. If you don’t have camera 360 already see my photography post about the app. Some of my best pictures are of her trying to eat a daisy or the mess she’s made in her seat.  Also, these are some of the moments you want to remember.
9. Enjoy the process. Just like everything else with babies this too shall pass way too fast.

Conclusion

Now, I’m sure some of you are asking where my so called diet came into this. Well, about four months ago when I started researching this topic, one of the remarks a parent had posted on another site said something to the following effect: baby led weaning has led me to be a healthier eater for the benefit of my child. And that is where the diet comes in. Before Freya, I ate whatever I want and in my case carbs are my worst enemy.  Since I’ve started feeding Freya what I eat, I’ve found myself choosing healthier meals, even on that rare occasion that we eat out. I usually share a bit of my healthy veggie, meat, and cheese omelet in the morning, some watermelon in the afternoon, whatever we have for dinner, and finally, some homemade frozen yogurt bites as a late snack.

What works for me to lose weight and what works for you may be different. For me it took keeping a diary to determine which foods made me feel ill and which foods energized me. In my case, I found that when I eat too many carbs or fats in a day, I just don’t feel as good as the day goes on. So take a look at what foods make you feel physically good before you make that call. Also, if you have any health problems talk to a physician before undertaking any major changes in your diet. You don’t want to cause something else to tumble while trying to make healthier food choices.

Baby led weaning is a way to cut out a lot of processed foods and to save yourself some time making your own organic equivalents. We experimented with all three and quite honestly, I’ve found this one to be the easiest because I don’t have to shop for extra stuff. We still buy some baby food (well WIC does), but now we just use it to make baby ice pops that Freya sometimes eats instead of yogurt bites.  We didn’t have the time to make all the baby food and keep up with all our other responsibilities.

Finally, this is what worked for us and these are just suggestions based on my personal experiences with Freya. You may find different results, so never feel bad if anyone’s advice doesn’t work out. No one method is perfect and not everything will work for every family. Each family is different as is each child and parent. Just do your best and cherish this time with your child because it only happens once. That’s what’s really important. Do what you find works best for your family and forget the rest.

Blessed Be.

Freya, Our Journey, and Montessori

I spend a lot of time thinking about what is best for Freya. All parents, especially first time parents, do this.  We all want to either improve from the past, if we have other children, or not mess up in the first place if we can avoid it.  While school is still several years away for us, I’m constantly trying to find ways to engage Freya and possibly jump start the learning process. Like any parent, we want her to have it better than we did.  In my case, I want to make sure everything goes better than my pregnancy did.

So let me explain what happened as briefly as possible.

 

See, I was one of those not so fortunate people who slipped through the cracks in the system. We didn’t find out I was pregnant till April (I’ve never been regular and had no symptoms) and right after I’d aged out of my father’s insurance. Worse, I was a temp so I couldn’t get insurance through work and I couldn’t afford it on my own. That left Medicaid, which despite applying in April didn’t get approved till three weeks before I was due.

But my pregnancy story gets better. Despite the fact that, in my state, you should be able to get prenatal care, no one would talk to me without 2000 or more upfront. Lovely when a pregnant woman in need cannot get any help from the system that is supposed to protect us. I called every doctor I could find in the phone book and a few that others recommended to me and no one would see me. I was livid.

So when I made an emergency trip to the hospital because I was that soon-to-be-new-mom who was freaking out, I got even more stressed than I already had been. The staff didn’t make it any better trying to sign me up for medicaid (even though I told them I was waiting on my current app to go through) or berating me for not getting prenatal care from a doctor. This did not improve my mood or my impression of the entire system.

And all of that would be compounded by finding out that I wasn’t due in seven months, I was due in two. I was due in August, which was a shock. I was floored and I don’t even know how to describe how her father felt.  Not knowing where the Goddess was leading me, I did all the research that most parents would do over nine months….in less than two.  In the end it was my mentor, Lady G, who convinced me not only to keep my child, but to also put my fears at ease.

After that we switched hospitals and I finally (two or three weeks before I was due) got to have a proper check up. Finally, in August, after two false alarms, I had Freya on the same night I was supposed to run the local community circle. Though it was the best excuse for being late ever, it was something I had been worried might happen. It was like I knew she was coming that day…even though she was induced due to doctor worries.  The birth wasn’t bad, aside from being bullied into inducing her which caused some minor problems, but no harm to the baby.

Suffice it to say, my pregnancy wasn’t a walk in the park.

And then I moved back in with my parents. Once things had settled down, I had a lot more time on my hands. Too much time. Even with having to help take care of both of my disabled parents, I wanted to find something to do with Freya. That’s when I found Montessori, which has become a large part of our lives

Our lack of preparation for her arrival has caused us to be very thoughtful of issues that could come up in the future. This included many discussions about school and what we would like to do versus what we may have to do to give her the best education possible. Both of us are decidedly against public schools. We both went and we both had experiences on opposite ends of the spectrum. He had a great experience while I had a horrible one. Where he had friends who defended him, I was that kid that was likely to end up in the trash can, locker, or torn up. Well, at least until we moved, at which point I kinda became several choice words towards anyone who tried to mess with me. Regardless, my boyfriend, Freya’s father, still agrees that we would prefer to keep her out of public school.

There are several reasons for this. First, the town we currently live in does not have a good school system. Second, the towns we want to move to do not have the best school systems. Third, Catholic school is not an option here, as I will not have Freya bullied into the Catholic church. I’ve had several friends who felt this way when they weren’t Catholic and went to the only private school in their area. Not to mention, I can’t guarantee that the school wouldn’t mess with her or me to start with, due to my faith.

Which leaves either non Christian affiliated private schools, which exist in the area, but are expensive, or home school. We’re still trying to determine if that is possible. We’ll have to see how the next few years go with my Etsy (or possibly Amazon) store I’m trying to set up and everything else. No matter what happens or what the decision may be, all I can do right now is research, pin things to Pinterest, and try not to drive myself mad.

Which is how I found Montessori.

What is Montessori?

Montessori is a learning style based on observations of the child and, more importantly, independent and peer learning. It was created in the late 1800’s by Maria Montessori, the first woman to graduate from medical school in Italy.  She developed it to help children reach their full potential after observing children housed alongside the criminally insane.  It was her work with those children that led her across the globe, where she learned that all children, despite their cultures, have certain times in their lives at which certain skills have to be learned.

Think of it as a house of cards or the foundation of a building. If one block or card is missing, the rest tumble on down.  This can best be seen in the psychological example of children raised by animals or raised outside of normal society. There is a wonderful WordPress article by Psychology Health that lays out the finer points of this scenario and it has happened. These children who don’t learn certain social or language cues from humans, have an extremely difficult time learning those skills later because they have passed that sensitive period in their development. While the author of the WordPress article claims there are no historical evidences of this, that is simply untrue. It is well documented in France in the 1800’s by Harian Lane, see the Amazon link to his book here.

That aside, there are certain peaks in which children develop motor, language, and other necessary skill that allow them to thrive within society. On her journeys, Montessori cataloged a general age range at which many of these occur.  Today, many psychologist and educators still use many of her ideas and recommendations. There are even those further researching her theories for a modern day.

One of the hallmarks of this practice is the environment in which the child learns and play. We haven’t been able to do everything we would like as we share a room with Freya, but I’m hoping to change that once we can afford to get our own place again, but we have implemented as much as we can. For one, Freya has a mattress on the ground where she takes naps during the day, eventually we will transition this to where she sleeps all the time as it allows her to be more independent. We keep her toys organized into as many categories as we can on shelves where she can reach them.

We also have a solid mirror where she can view her own expressions and attempt to play with the baby in the mirror. This encouraged Freya to lift her head and look around. Now she loves it because she can see her own movements. Another thing we have done is to use baby led weaning, where she eats what we eat instead of baby food when we go out. It has made the diaper bag lighter (aside from my mini Tupperware chopper) and it makes her happy to be involved in what we are doing, when we are doing it.  We are also working on getting her to drink form a cup with a little shot glass I have.  Sure we have a few spills, but she has seen us drink from cups and is always reaching for them herself. By letting her have her own cup we may have a few more spills, but she doesn’t reach for our cups because she has her own.

I also love that the method stresses that we can’t compare our children to others, that each child develops at a different pace and that we have to celebrate those differences.  To me it just feels very pagan in nature. We place trust in our child to learn from their surroundings and I can already tell you that Freya has surprised me more than once.

The one area I really want to learn about at this juncture is their method of discipline. That’s one topic I’ve had a lot of trouble finding info on. Though I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back to you with more info on this topic once I get my Montessori books in and find time to read them.

So far, we’ve mostly done sensory play with pasta and food. We’ve done some discovery baskets about different areas of the house. Freya had a wonderful time playing with measuring spoons and bowls in the kitchen. She even enjoyed playing with her new rubber tipped silverware.  It’s fascinating and amazing what will entice and entertain a child.  My goal is to start doing at least one Montessori activity with her a week, two if I can manage it between job hunting and taking care of all my charges at home.

Regardless, if you’re homeschooling or just looking for new ways to interact with your child, Montessori source pages are a great place to find all sorts of activities for kids of any age and all of them are educational. I know that just like our spiritual paths, this one may not be for everyone, but it’s at least worth exploring and seeing what magick and mischief your child can find in their own world through these activities.

Blessed Be.